I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
