Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
