Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
