peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
