there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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