I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
