she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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