I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
