The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
