Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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