I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
