Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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