im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
