How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle