I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
