my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
