So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
