I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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