Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
