Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
