Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
