If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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