I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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