Pants 0. Shit 1.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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