I wish my penis had an off switch
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
