This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
