That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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