More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
