So drunk its hurt
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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