I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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