My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
