She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
