Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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