Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
