We won't sleep together?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
