I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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