If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
