Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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