I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
