Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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