From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Can you bring me the toilet please
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
