today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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