Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
