You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
