Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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