It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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