people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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