Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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