the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
