Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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