this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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