does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
