You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
