I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
